me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
You Might Also Like
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Haha! 😂
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.