sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
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My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him