Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
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🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it’s hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.