Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
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niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend