@DrakeGatsby

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

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@Megatronic13

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

@StinkyGr33n

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

@lwhit_the_boss

A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it’s hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face.

@Mikel_Jollett

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

@myonlymizztake

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

@mommajessiec

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

@david8hughes

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@sweet_toof

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

@LittleLostLad

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.