@tastefactory

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

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@iknownaama

my cousin’s teacher did the “would you die in the Holocaust?” trick with his class. he pointed my cousin out and said he wouldn’t die cause he’s blonde so he could pass as a Nazi. so my cousin said the teacher has brown hair and eyes just like Hitler & now he’s suspended lmaooo

@PajamaStew

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

@psybermonkey

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

@Fred_Delicious

Kenya please explain why you called Chad a Niger? You Congo around using words like that or all of a Sudan you Ghana have no place Togo

@KentWGraham

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

@squirrel74wkgn

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

@DrRocktopoid

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.

@RandomManik

Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks,

“Why would anyone want to kill their wife?”

@Laser_Cat

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*