Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
🙀🙀🙀😹
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
good morning
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation