Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
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My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL