me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
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Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
me
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I cannot stop laughing at this
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.