Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
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Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did