@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

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@jazmasta

A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”

@daddydoubts

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

@dafloydsta

Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?

@primawesome

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

@thenatewolf

“Good luck with your little skits!”

-Shakespeare’s mom.

@linanneblack

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

@meganamram

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

@drayzze

I wish I had a bear so I could take him hiking and camping

So if we ran into other bears, he’d be like “It’s cool, man, he’s with me.”

@RobDenBleyker

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

@pilau

I shot him. I shot him three times. From far away. He tried to get up and I just shot him again.

– my 5 year old talking about Mario Kart