A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
“Good luck with your little skits!”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I wish I had a bear so I could take him hiking and camping
So if we ran into other bears, he’d be like “It’s cool, man, he’s with me.”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I shot him. I shot him three times. From far away. He tried to get up and I just shot him again.
– my 5 year old talking about Mario Kart