Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold