Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
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No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
Me: Get dressed, please.
Me: Please get dressed.
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
Me: Put your clothes on.
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
british people see you with toast & are all “i love jinglewhammy hammy slammies! try it with a molly tosser & some clangy bangies on the side! i’m knackered!”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.