@Darlainky

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

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@pleatedjeans

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

@gitson_shiggles

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

@DadandBuried

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

@KalvinMacleod

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

@genehunter1

Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

@dadthatwrites

british people see you with toast & are all “i love jinglewhammy hammy slammies! try it with a molly tosser & some clangy bangies on the side! i’m knackered!”

@dougbies

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

@MableGertrude

If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.

@jumpdashark

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.