@Brampersandon_

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

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@ArfMeasures

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

@jacquelinehey

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

@senorwinces

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

@briangaar

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies

@Mr_Kapowski

ME: Do we have Bacon Bits?
WIFE: Fridge. Why?
ME: *filling pockets* No reason

*dog park*
PERSON: Sorry. He’s normally behaved
ME: No prob

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

@DadandBuried

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs