ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
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My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
When libraries troll their patrons.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Doggies just call it style.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”