GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
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Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies
ME: Do we have Bacon Bits?
WIFE: Fridge. Why?
ME: *filling pockets* No reason
PERSON: Sorry. He’s normally behaved
ME: No prob
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
*realises why I stay in.*
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs