ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

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robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful


technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs


STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.


Me: I’m so tired I need to sleep.

Ambien: Here I’ll help… Hey don’t forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you’re snow!

Me: K


Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.


thank u scooby doo. u taught me that monsters aren’t real and that the thing hiding in my closet is actually an unhinged museum curator draped in a white bedsheet


It’s so cold today a racist told me to go back to Pakistan and I just agreed with him


I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast


My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.