@pilau

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

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@_steamy_mac

Alcoholism is a wonderful way to turn today’s problems into tomorrow’s even bigger problems.

@Storminika

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

@k_lli

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

@panmidwest

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

@Sean_Burgundy_

Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don’t get too excited

@tracietom

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

@cervixsmash

Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank

@pippydrydocking

Sorry I went down on your moms sister at your BBQ… I guess you could say I’m…

[lowers shades]

An aunt-eater.

@TheDreamGhoul

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming