me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Autocarrot sucks!
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.