me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

You Might Also Like


They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.


The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.


me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is


[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!


“911, what’s your emerg-”

“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”

“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”



Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.


The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.


My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said “maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes” 💀