@pilau

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

You Might Also Like

@Elizasoul80

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

@elle91

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

@mrjohndarby

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

@awkwardenabled

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

@Sickayduh

“911, what’s your emerg-”

“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”

“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”

“TAMPI EVERYWHERE”

@TheBigBatman

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

@AmyLouise84D

The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.

@Purple_Pito

My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said “maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes” 💀