They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
“911, what’s your emerg-”
“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”
“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.
My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said “maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes” 💀