me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.