Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
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You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.