me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Mhm.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
A new level of troll.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo