Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
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I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.