ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
*limbos under the caution tape
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.