Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first