Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
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[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed