Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
You Might Also Like
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them