Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
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Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
We all have our pet causes.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze