Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

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This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice


Moaning and gasping “Give it to me baby!” during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor.

Anybody know one?


I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.


Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*


My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu


I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.


[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?


Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.


Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.