Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
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Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I told my vodka about you.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!