Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

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pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere


People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.


Seriously how much of Krypton fell to earth and how do bad guys keep finding it? You’re Superman, handle your shit. This ain’t a game, dawg.


very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell


Interviewer: would you you call yourself a hard worker?

Me:absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.


Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.