My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
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We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.