Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
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I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
he’s sick of your bullshit today