@FU_TangClan

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

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@pro_worrier_

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

@Home_Halfway

We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.

@werehedgehog

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

@NoogsCorner

That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.

@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

@Contwixt

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

@lisaxy424

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

@KrangTNelson

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

@shariv67

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.