Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
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My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Interior design 👌
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭