Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
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You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
spot the difference
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*