Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
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Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I’m listening
I put the h in mysterious.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE