@Reverend_Scott

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

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@acidicjews

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

@bingowings14

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

@MartaEffing

I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

@clichedout

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

@daemonic3

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

@iamspacegirl

ME *sees baby crab in stroller*: He’s so cute! I just wanna rip his lil legs off dip em in butter and eat them!

MOM CRAB *beaming*: thank u