Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
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I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
😂💯