@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

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@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

@Tobi_Is_Fab

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

@ocourtneyno

When you accidentally type “me” instead of “my” I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.

@awkwardphilippe

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

@Playing_Dad

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

@Parkerlawyer

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

@ArfMeasures

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

@Shade510

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.