Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?


“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex


When you accidentally type “me” instead of “my” I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.


HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister


When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail


My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?


ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships


Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.