This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
When you accidentally type “me” instead of “my” I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.