Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s