(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
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Some people need Rosetta Stone for Sarcasm
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Not now brain…
…this is a job for stupidity.
Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
My Internet was out for a while so I went downstairs to talk to my mom. She seems nice.