Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
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Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I’m not stressed
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.