@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

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@Bmittone

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

@HomeWithPeanut

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

@JB4Realz

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

@Contwixt

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

@hermanntrude

It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.

@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

@Quartzjixler

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

@kissimoose

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

@PhilJamesson

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”