ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

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A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.


Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.


me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.


Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.


It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.


[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.


My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.


So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.


“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”