ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
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Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
We found love in a hopeless place.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him: