I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
You Might Also Like
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Try and stop me.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I put the hot in psychotic.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
choose your fighter
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir