While texting a girl she told me “I’m board” so I stopped seeing her. I wasn’t offended. I just don’t date wood. Or people who can’t spell.
Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence*
“Oh, hey sorry; finish your story.”
Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don’t want to now.
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11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
Shower like nobody is watching.
when you’re about to get eaten by a shark but then u see bae watching
I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He’s going to pay for that later.
You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now