@liv_thatsme

Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence*

“Oh, hey sorry; finish your story.”

Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don’t want to now.

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@SteveInevitable

While texting a girl she told me “I’m board” so I stopped seeing her. I wasn’t offended. I just don’t date wood. Or people who can’t spell.

@shashaintl

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

@markydoodoo

Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.

@lawking30

I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.

@SJKSalisbury

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

@wendyraepearce

I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He’s going to pay for that later.

@10kbabyspiders

You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.

@bug_deal

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now