me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.