me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.