me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
oh u like geography? name every lake
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Sticker placement is key.