[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda