Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
You Might Also Like
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.