[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
You Might Also Like
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
