[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
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Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
why would tinder want me to say this
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.