Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

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Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.


I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.


Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.


Grampa: Hashtag, Cool glasses.

Me: Hashtags are a social media thing. You don’t have to say, hashtag

G: Hashtag, not my favorite grandson


Evil Queen: mirror-
Hand Mirror: what
Evil Queen: mirror-
Hand Mirror: WHAT
Evil Queen: on the wall
Hand Mirror: oh shit sorry


If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.


Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse


wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!


ghostbusters (standing in ashes): u really should’ve called the fire department


[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*