Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
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WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
just make the entire table out of coaster
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
fourth time’s the charm
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*