Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
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Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.