windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
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From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Something Saturday.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
A French press is when you hug naked
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I’m calling the cops.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said