@SuperTeeWhy

[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]

“Damn”

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@mompsychologist

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

@Dwarven_Cleric

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

@Beccnicole

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?

Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.

@Cpin42

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

@tchrquotes

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

@AnkCoupleTO

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

@kaiteasley

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

@andlikelaura

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

@_stylr

If bars don’t open soon, I’m gonna have to figure out other plans to cancel with my friends.