not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
You Might Also Like
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.