5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]
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After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?
Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
If bars don’t open soon, I’m gonna have to figure out other plans to cancel with my friends.