Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]
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I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Forever tricking animals into thinking I’m patting them when really I’m just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
The best writerly advice is to start each paragraph w “Here’s somethin for ya!” as the reader is now engaged & will follow you anywhere
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend