@SuperTeeWhy

[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]

“Damn”

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@sannewman

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

@Birdhumms

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

@Thing_Finder

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

@rolldiggity

“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations

@BoomBoomBetty

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

@spacexsam

Forever tricking animals into thinking I’m patting them when really I’m just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur

@HeyoShellz

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

@MikeOdenthal

The best writerly advice is to start each paragraph w “Here’s somethin for ya!” as the reader is now engaged & will follow you anywhere

@squirrel74wkgn

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

@thelateinnings

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend