Me: [getting mugged]


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1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.


How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.


Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.


I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.


the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually “cloaking” they just turned all their lights off


I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.


Her: What do your tattoos mean?

Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”


Where is your 1,000 word essay?
“Right here”
*pulls out selfie*
That’s a picture…
“A picture is worth 1,000 words”
*becomes valedictorian*


My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”

So I put them in a vase of water.



WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working