Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.