@mommywhitfield

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

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@StephenAtHome

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

@sixfootcandy

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

@BradBroaddus

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

@VodkaThursday

In 5 yrs I will be drinking from a crystal decanter discussing affairs & murders in my upper middle class community. Also, I will have a hat

@FinallyHeSleeps

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

@caseytduncan

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

@iamspacegirl

CAMPING

Me: I hate this. The bears freak me out.

Him: Babe don’t be silly.

[later]

Bear, textin from right outside my tent at 3am: u up?

@AristotlesNZ

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

@theregoesrichie

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?