@AmishPornStar1

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

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@MondayPajamas

Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.

@Lindsieeee

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

@murrman5

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

@boburnham

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

@Gupton68

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

@Bandersnaaatch

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

@dmc1138

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

@SwedishCanary

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.