*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

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Me:OMG RYAN GOSLING DIED! Oh. His hair. He dyed his hair. Brown. Can U believe that was a story? Husband: I think it worked great. Me:Zip it


Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes


Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!


I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.


Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]


My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.


My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.


Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.