*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
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Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Bros before Ohioes
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
These are too funny not to post 😂
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon