*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

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Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.


My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!


“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”


Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!


So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?


Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.


I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.


I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.