*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
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So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”