“please do not expand the list by killing people.”
me getting out of time machine i did it
wife did what
me i killed the guy who invented punctuation
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Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear
ME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don’t use a blinker.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Welcome to the dark side.
Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.