me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation

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“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*


Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?


Favorite Doubles:
1. Scotch
2. Cheeseburgers
3. Bourbon
4. Entendres
5. Dipping


Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.


The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.


People think life after having kids is filled with sleepless nights and constant cleaning. That’s not true. There’s also anxiety and fear


I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.


The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999