So many pants.
So little yoga.
me getting out of time machine i did it
wife did what
me i killed the guy who invented punctuation
You Might Also Like
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought “my god that is so hot it’s burning my fingers” and immediately popped it in my mouth.
I’m a goddamn genius.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.