@tweetsbyrocket

me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

@DirtyMelodies

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

@brownbear952

Favorite Doubles:
1. Scotch
2. Cheeseburgers
3. Bourbon
4. Entendres
5. Dipping

@causticbob

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

@iamfase

The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.

@deankarrier

People think life after having kids is filled with sleepless nights and constant cleaning. That’s not true. There’s also anxiety and fear

@AbbyHasIssues

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

@GimmieTheHam

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999