@tweetsbyrocket

me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation

You Might Also Like

@jmspool

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

@AlisonChrista

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

@tuckerflodman

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

@OctopusCaveman

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

@GingerHotDish

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

@rogerbellin

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

@thatUPSdude

I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don’t use a blinker.

@Try2StopME

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

@wickedsuga

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.