@tweetsbyrocket

me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation

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@copymama

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

@SeanINCypress

Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.

@jackiembouvier

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

@FeralCheryls

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

@MarfSalvador

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

@HeMightBeJason

Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought “my god that is so hot it’s burning my fingers” and immediately popped it in my mouth.

I’m a goddamn genius.

@danguterman

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

@Cpin42

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

@stevevsninjas

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.