ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.