Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
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The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.