the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
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Straight people are cancelled
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Friend: Check your privilege
Me: Yep. Still got it
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.