@RodLacroix

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

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@Fred_Delicious

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

@ayyyyloser

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

@dumbbeezie

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

@Dawn_M_

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

@Bownuggets

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

@TheBoydP

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

@Cheeseboy22

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.