Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
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I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.